If you are reading this and you have found me, but I am no longer here then all I can say at this point and time that I have accomplished my mission in doing what needed to be done.
When I say this, I do get caught up in the things I have told myself, but in hindsight, I often thought about you and these crazy notions in my head. I still dream of you in the short hours of my waking night that I don't get that long-needed rest because there's no way I will usually sleep again. There really is no point at this time. I am in no place to put you that way. Somebody must be loving you the way you wanted them to reality is strange when you see yourself doing it all over. Someone close, and someone you wanted to have those things you mentioned back then. There is that someone for you, but me, as it was just happenstance, the moment of having happiness in life is but an illusion created by someone inside my head. Joy in life is not for everybody. The depressed knows there are ways to cope, but I know inside of my head it is not something that needs to be guided or directed to.
In hindsight, I should have listened to you, and I did. I wanted to keep being friends with you. I wanted to continue, but insidiously you hid the very motive of walking away without warranting a confrontation of some sort until I caught you. Then we had a fight. The writings on the wall were written, words were exchanged, and we could never be the same again. I know better these days. I criticized your intelligence into thinking I was belittling you, when in fact, it was all just a jest. Your thinkings I still hold somewhere in the back of my head. "Even ugly people cheat." "I think there is no one who wants to make a model out of me."(That was our discussion about beauty and your individualism) I still have that laugh. The monkey still plays in my head when I have nothing smart to say, and I laugh at work, at home, and to the closest people in my life.
Three dreams of you that keep recurring (all of which are astronomically improbable in this lifetime. Spoiler alert, I am still long gone from this world already.):
When I say this, I do get caught up in the things I have told myself, but in hindsight, I often thought about you and these crazy notions in my head. I still dream of you in the short hours of my waking night that I don't get that long-needed rest because there's no way I will usually sleep again. There really is no point at this time. I am in no place to put you that way. Somebody must be loving you the way you wanted them to reality is strange when you see yourself doing it all over. Someone close, and someone you wanted to have those things you mentioned back then. There is that someone for you, but me, as it was just happenstance, the moment of having happiness in life is but an illusion created by someone inside my head. Joy in life is not for everybody. The depressed knows there are ways to cope, but I know inside of my head it is not something that needs to be guided or directed to.
In hindsight, I should have listened to you, and I did. I wanted to keep being friends with you. I wanted to continue, but insidiously you hid the very motive of walking away without warranting a confrontation of some sort until I caught you. Then we had a fight. The writings on the wall were written, words were exchanged, and we could never be the same again. I know better these days. I criticized your intelligence into thinking I was belittling you, when in fact, it was all just a jest. Your thinkings I still hold somewhere in the back of my head. "Even ugly people cheat." "I think there is no one who wants to make a model out of me."(That was our discussion about beauty and your individualism) I still have that laugh. The monkey still plays in my head when I have nothing smart to say, and I laugh at work, at home, and to the closest people in my life.
Three dreams of you that keep recurring (all of which are astronomically improbable in this lifetime. Spoiler alert, I am still long gone from this world already.):
- You decided to confront me face to face, but I smiled, gave you a peace sign and ceased to exist within minutes of your arrival.
- Another confrontation again this time you brought your lover to tell me off, no more of this nonsense again right? Because it was giving the defense, it was hurting you so to stop talking about you. I still cease to exist. It was because I was already at the edge of it when you arrived again.
- I arrive home from work, my parents tell me someone is in my room, and the lights are off, so I knock...well technically, it's my bedroom, so the very thought of you being in it is baffling and befuddling. Your man is out there too somewhere in that picture because in this overthinking/overprocessing mind lies the motive there is someone out there for you. I don't have anyone in life. I abandoned that notion and had sailed off to my future that I had set my sights on years ago. You were in bed after a long flight from back home so catching up some sleep was in need of it. I didn't want to wake you, I was going to knock too from that scene but I realized you needed sleep so I respected that even though it was in my bedroom
I keep in touch with my time thinking of waiting for a phone call. Somehow there is a message going to pop up some but I know time is a slipping factor and the very thought of you messaging me, well, you made it clear. "Don't write to me, don't message me, don't call me. I absolutely hate you. I wash my hands off you. I don't want anything to do with you anymore." (That last part I think I got that part right.)I went to work that same day, kept a smile, and knew it will never be the same again. However, to say it straight, there's some shit I can't forget I don't think I'm ready yet. You're right, there's just some shit I can't forget because if you ever think of me listening to you, I still do. A part of me should I hear from you, it will hurt me more and give cause to where I need to keep going. Away and further from everybody. I said some things, yes and to know I hurt you yes. As you hurt me too but here we are standing. I am tired. The other part is going to misinterpret what you are to tell me because it will be just a false flag branding it a lie from you.
I am tired, yes. I do not think we will be ready and if someone breaks the ice again to start this conversation I will be gone, I hope to be on the other side of this world.
Comments