If you are reading this and I am gone don't worry I am happy I finally went through my wish and just decided to vanish. You can hate me, deflect this, reject it or knock it off. I have given up.
We are past the point of hypotheticals at this point because the very thought of having a hypothetical in life is to assure there is a way to fix things up. Only then to be revealed it will just be a fuck up and no one will come to admitting it was both at fault. Although, in some way, it can help amend...wait, no. To say such things is just selfish at this point, you said it best yourself, there was nothing to say. Every time I write this, it's not out of any untoward emotion against you as it is my conviction that things like these must come to an end. To tell you that I had combated depression is true because I had come to realize that after the struggle, there came a resolution that needed to be done. Well, there were two of them.
The first being is to stand up and face the music that it will get better. It should never affect your daily routine in doing what you do. As it will in time. Things will turn for the better. If you are a spiritual/metaphysical believer in a higher power, you will find yourself in a better place thinking there is a better answer waiting for you. If you have the tremendous mental fortitude to stand any storm that batters your way you face a chance to make yourself to be no one will knock your sails. To challenge yourself into a better day, there comes a time one will say it's enough for them to see that even in their darkest day that the brightest sun will shine upon them again. Excellent ways of being motivated in life, right? Picking your battles too works right?
A second, in which one can say it is the coward's way out, but who is to say such things? Before all of this came to fruition, it was fun looking at the edge without knowing what it was at the time. I had realized then there was an end to things. I knew my ending long before it came to be. Was it happenstance that you came around my way? A hypothetical I would instead not answer because I think I would know you would just lie than tell any truth. Or if it was the truth that was all it needed, then it was all a foolish endeavor we did this in the first place. Lying would never get us anywhere, it would just break us apart than keep it together.
I knew in the end when I looked at the edge there was no one willing to pull me away. I wanted to push myself off just to close my eyes and smile. I wanted the episodes of depression to go away. I wanted them to finally be silenced. "...You'll hurt me..." it's all it really needed for the push I needed. It is not scary to be alone. Telling everyone around that it gets overwhelming when there is help is sad but we know better, for even the one who wants to push out the edge is not getting any help. It's such a loose word though there might be ears willing to listen it's just the ones who sit next to you and look at the edge with you. The chances of them even bringing something to think about makes it more interesting.
In ways, I wanted to imagine, that it really was a way of lumping the mistakes that they had made that ended somehow the perfect scapegoat in all this was right here. It was transposed to the point that it would become clear as day that it was a surefire method that none of this will find a way in contacting you ever again. After all, to be associated with all of them at once and justifying such statement without even backing it up hurts more than I can handle.
I want to end everything, I just want the noises to drown because hearing it from you repeatedly wallops me. Every. Single. Time. Some battles to win, some battles are just impossible to win, and some fights...they just want to make sure that no one returns at all. Wade in the water. Swim aimlessly to the bottom. There is nothing to hate about you. There is nothing I would say I am better than this bullshit because I know I am but when you are depressed as the next person who wants to chase the end of the noose it's best to know there will be nothing to lose just yourself in it. I never meant to hurt you but upon writing these, it will come to you as if I did but letting you know what comes to me is better than just keeping it bottled up.
I am tired, I want to close my eyes, never opening them again and just let the world know this was all a nightmare and be nuanced by the universe into giving me a different but pleasant ending. I think that's best for everyone.
We are past the point of hypotheticals at this point because the very thought of having a hypothetical in life is to assure there is a way to fix things up. Only then to be revealed it will just be a fuck up and no one will come to admitting it was both at fault. Although, in some way, it can help amend...wait, no. To say such things is just selfish at this point, you said it best yourself, there was nothing to say. Every time I write this, it's not out of any untoward emotion against you as it is my conviction that things like these must come to an end. To tell you that I had combated depression is true because I had come to realize that after the struggle, there came a resolution that needed to be done. Well, there were two of them.
The first being is to stand up and face the music that it will get better. It should never affect your daily routine in doing what you do. As it will in time. Things will turn for the better. If you are a spiritual/metaphysical believer in a higher power, you will find yourself in a better place thinking there is a better answer waiting for you. If you have the tremendous mental fortitude to stand any storm that batters your way you face a chance to make yourself to be no one will knock your sails. To challenge yourself into a better day, there comes a time one will say it's enough for them to see that even in their darkest day that the brightest sun will shine upon them again. Excellent ways of being motivated in life, right? Picking your battles too works right?
A second, in which one can say it is the coward's way out, but who is to say such things? Before all of this came to fruition, it was fun looking at the edge without knowing what it was at the time. I had realized then there was an end to things. I knew my ending long before it came to be. Was it happenstance that you came around my way? A hypothetical I would instead not answer because I think I would know you would just lie than tell any truth. Or if it was the truth that was all it needed, then it was all a foolish endeavor we did this in the first place. Lying would never get us anywhere, it would just break us apart than keep it together.
I knew in the end when I looked at the edge there was no one willing to pull me away. I wanted to push myself off just to close my eyes and smile. I wanted the episodes of depression to go away. I wanted them to finally be silenced. "...You'll hurt me..." it's all it really needed for the push I needed. It is not scary to be alone. Telling everyone around that it gets overwhelming when there is help is sad but we know better, for even the one who wants to push out the edge is not getting any help. It's such a loose word though there might be ears willing to listen it's just the ones who sit next to you and look at the edge with you. The chances of them even bringing something to think about makes it more interesting.
In ways, I wanted to imagine, that it really was a way of lumping the mistakes that they had made that ended somehow the perfect scapegoat in all this was right here. It was transposed to the point that it would become clear as day that it was a surefire method that none of this will find a way in contacting you ever again. After all, to be associated with all of them at once and justifying such statement without even backing it up hurts more than I can handle.
I want to end everything, I just want the noises to drown because hearing it from you repeatedly wallops me. Every. Single. Time. Some battles to win, some battles are just impossible to win, and some fights...they just want to make sure that no one returns at all. Wade in the water. Swim aimlessly to the bottom. There is nothing to hate about you. There is nothing I would say I am better than this bullshit because I know I am but when you are depressed as the next person who wants to chase the end of the noose it's best to know there will be nothing to lose just yourself in it. I never meant to hurt you but upon writing these, it will come to you as if I did but letting you know what comes to me is better than just keeping it bottled up.
I am tired, I want to close my eyes, never opening them again and just let the world know this was all a nightmare and be nuanced by the universe into giving me a different but pleasant ending. I think that's best for everyone.