By the time you are reading this, I hope that there is no catch up phase of which this will fulminate into. Someone said to me, if someone came back to wanting me back is to drop them a fuck you and do not talk to them to which I smiled candidly and nodded just to stroke their ego into knowing they are right in their mind. If you ask me, if I do anything differently about it the answer is of course yes. To which I will look you straight in the eye and smile genuinely, feigning it is not going to make any difference, and walk past your arm's length. To ever look back and have you hold onto the hand I would hold onto the end of time only to slip away or be slapped in fear of rejection is something one deserves.
Being written out as the bad guy in this play, seem to be the norm and to say should it be standardized for the woman, yes. She can be the bad woman in this play too because we're both held accountable for our actions. There is enough to go around in the blame game. Talk, yes there is a lot of going around. Listening, yes, that is the most painful thing to do because truth hurts and will fester into a wound that never heals. It's where I keep remembering those words, "...You'll hurt me..." I wish those words would stop echoing in the back of my head. I already know what getting stabbed feels like even penetration because those words, "...You'll hurt me..." Those words will always hurt.
I have compartmentalized every memory, both happy or sad, angry or calming, except those words...those three words. They remind a conversation I had with myself years ago. Years of combating depression I fought hard so much to wonder where it will take me and every time I had given myself to which I would gladly give myself I did not. Losing someone from depression and suicide after knowing them for so many years only for them to give up. It is a pain I learn to let go so easily because it's a point of which I vowed I held them to knowing they would be remembered as the classmate I would run into class back in high school making them happy and as such keeping them by my side.
"...You'll hurt me..." changed all of it from a jerk to what may ever you find in the English dictionary to describe, hurt tops that. Hate does not even come close to what I can think of because everyone has got that in their time but hurt definitively destroyed what little effort it was to make a better impression on someone you care about realistically or not. I do not hate you, or harbor feelings of resentment. This is not being stuck, this is what being able to carry a resolve.
I told someone, I do not worry about what is behind your back because what you have is your sweat, your blood, you toiled for what I look for is what is in front of us, but "You'll hurt me..." seems to keep rocking back and forth from me. When smart people make fun of their peers it's not because they think lowly of them unless they're the arrogant ones out there. I make fun of my peers' intelligence for the sheer fact if they have a comeback I know I deserve it for making fun of them. If it ever occurred that smart people should not be making criticisms to their fellow peers like that there wouldn't be smart people to challenge us. I made mistakes, I learned from them, and I cannot take them back. In fact, I do myself the favor to pick up and keep going.
My deep insecurity of living another day seems to haunt me these days as much as it is an effort to wake up in the morning the futility of finding what little hope there is to cling to is just that. Futile. I can't be told to not do it, that right was given up. No hands washed. No it's not to grab your attention either as this is my way of saying this is the end. I want to smile, sincerely, walk past, and let me embrace the exit to this life. It's okay to be happy in the end. There is nothing to care about, you know that, I do too selfishly. So should you ever read this, don't cry as if it was a caring subject. There is nothing to see, there was nothing for anyone to have seen, for to hide things in plain sight as if it was going to be some sort of critical reassessment...that word too, reassessment. "You'll hurt me..." "...You'll hurt me..." those three words will grant the very wish "I'm free because there will be no more to hurt..."