Between the episodes of depression therein lies a silver lining I would like to say I have run into a thousand times. There is no easy way of saying things so I will get right into it. Eighty days before the big day arrives and there I was looking at the top. Windy, the day was, it was warm, jackets are but an illusion in the grand scheme of keeping things warm as I take a good hard look at the top. Dare I say I wanted to fly into that depressive moment, of course, that was just the tip of it. Though I digress, the view from the top never seemed better than it was when I stood there. My hands were no longer shaking. I teased myself from that very moment as I felt a sudden sense of encouragement from the winds telling me to let go as it will catch me. However, here I am... wondering what it would take for me to just plan selflessly before I do go...
Just last year, having a conversation with someone of whom I had never met as they walked in the store for the first time. Greeting them as friendly as I came across them as I gazed at them with a smile. Finding out how their day went by they seemed dejected as it turned out they were grief-stricken they have been diagnosed with stage four cancer unbeknownst to their beliefs. Looking healthy and seemingly harmless I stood across someone I just met within five minutes to find out they never had anything planned as their life was cut severely short. I could not grasp the very notion of how someone who looked so young and healthy had been given a horrible diagnosis. As much as my smile wanted to reach that person's deep look, it was almost impossible to reach out to them. However, as much as it had been with them that night I wanted them to know to live life to the fullest, and the fact they are still here. I wanted them to settle for the very notion they were alive was the most beautiful thing.
So there I was today, looking at the near future, the days I count, I tell myself it is getting closer. I dare hold onto cynical hope but forcefully push skeptical doubt aside because I know getting in deep with my depressive self I want to be free from this shell. Swimming in the current I know I will not drown. Sometimes, the very thought of why people swam so deep to never come back up versus the immediate sentence one gets without warning. We say it is selfishness but let me ask, who are you to tell us differently when all there had been done was to smile as lovingly as possible. I can't be told no matter how one looks at the puzzle that it gets better who face it head-on.
To me, I dare look at the world with my hands washed these days of what I have done because I know I have no regrets. That would be so egregious of me to even have one as it is not the view from the top I want to take the leap off of, or the depth of the ocean to carry me back into the star ocean no. It's a lot more than that because to find an exit strategy in life is not worth telling the world how to go with it rather it is in the discovery of how I came to conclude this was the ending one would have wanted. Love is that unusual transcendental feeling I get confused with freedom as sometimes it is the two illusions I play within my head. Guess, I got to knock a little harder to find out where I want to go.
Just last year, having a conversation with someone of whom I had never met as they walked in the store for the first time. Greeting them as friendly as I came across them as I gazed at them with a smile. Finding out how their day went by they seemed dejected as it turned out they were grief-stricken they have been diagnosed with stage four cancer unbeknownst to their beliefs. Looking healthy and seemingly harmless I stood across someone I just met within five minutes to find out they never had anything planned as their life was cut severely short. I could not grasp the very notion of how someone who looked so young and healthy had been given a horrible diagnosis. As much as my smile wanted to reach that person's deep look, it was almost impossible to reach out to them. However, as much as it had been with them that night I wanted them to know to live life to the fullest, and the fact they are still here. I wanted them to settle for the very notion they were alive was the most beautiful thing.
So there I was today, looking at the near future, the days I count, I tell myself it is getting closer. I dare hold onto cynical hope but forcefully push skeptical doubt aside because I know getting in deep with my depressive self I want to be free from this shell. Swimming in the current I know I will not drown. Sometimes, the very thought of why people swam so deep to never come back up versus the immediate sentence one gets without warning. We say it is selfishness but let me ask, who are you to tell us differently when all there had been done was to smile as lovingly as possible. I can't be told no matter how one looks at the puzzle that it gets better who face it head-on.
To me, I dare look at the world with my hands washed these days of what I have done because I know I have no regrets. That would be so egregious of me to even have one as it is not the view from the top I want to take the leap off of, or the depth of the ocean to carry me back into the star ocean no. It's a lot more than that because to find an exit strategy in life is not worth telling the world how to go with it rather it is in the discovery of how I came to conclude this was the ending one would have wanted. Love is that unusual transcendental feeling I get confused with freedom as sometimes it is the two illusions I play within my head. Guess, I got to knock a little harder to find out where I want to go.
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